The aftermath

I haven't really written much about the status of my marriage after last years "event" but I thought now that I have decided to put my thoughts out there I should probably touch on the biggest issue my relationship has stumbled through.

There are some people that know, some that don't. I'm not going to go into the details of the event and what led to it, just how things have been since.

Its been about 14 months since the shit hit the proverbial fan. It was in reality the smack in the face I needed to pull my life out of the pit it was spiralling into.

It was the first time I had ever seen John really cry, and I haven't seen it since. He never expected his actions and ways would ever push me as far as they did. He certainly never thought I would leave - let alone get kicked out. We both learnt a lesson in what our limits were as both humans and as partners.

There was months of discussions, letters written meant never to be read by anyone elses eyes and heartfelt apologies from both of us. Talk of marriage counsellors both entered and left our minds in similar fleeting seconds. We have both had very negative experiences with counsellors in our past and didn't particularly trust them to be able to help. We fought, we cried, we laughed, we admitted our faults and our strengths, most importantly we told each other what we loved about the other.

We have had many an argument since, its our way, we are feisty and passionate people. I'm saddened to say that John has mentioned my actions in some of these, as an attack. I never respond, what could I say in the heat of the moment that would ever be considered "correct, just or right". I let him have his little stabs and mention after things have cooled down that its not fair of him to do that. He is supposed to have forgiven me - I don't expect him to forget, but put it in the vault, lock it and throw away the key - stop using it to win "fight" points.

Has John changed. Not really, he is still the same pushy, arrogant, pig headed control freak he always was. He is still terrible at expressing emotions and needs to be asked for any kind of affection to be shown. Will I let this get to me again - NO - I will continue to ask him "John would it kill you to give your wife a hug every now and then?" I will gratefully accept the grumbles and begrudgingly offered hug and kiss. After all I have probably made him get up off the couch to deliver :)

I suppose in a way I'm happy he hasn't really changed too much. After all I fell in love with a grumpy non affectionate man, what would I do if all of a sudden he wouldn't let me be. Would that change be the exact opposite of what I want in a partner, probably. I am very happy that we don't now live a life of "fake" lovey doveyness and prissy little nick names for each other, it might work for some couples, it would only lead to war in the castle...

There is still a lot of healing to be done, in truth it may be a wound that never heals completely.